Three poems by Eloísa Pérez-Lozano

Eloísa Pérez-Lozano

Mutant

~For all bilinguals who hide their accents well.

I look like you

But not quite like you

Hiding in plain sight, another me

Waits for the right moment

English is a tennis ball

In a well-matched game

Lobbing back and forth between us

When my phone interrupts our play

Just a second, I say

While I answer my call

Mamá’s voice rings out

And I suddenly morph

Your head turns back, thoughtful

As my inner form appears

A few notches louder than before

My melody soothes you

Your apprehension melts away

As you listen without understanding

I didn’t come to confuse

Only entrance

Linguistic dance

A bilingual romance

With you I am an English master

A domain I rule

Then, in a second, I’ve switched

That girl is gone

Y ahora estoy aquí

A master of Spanish as well

It’s easy to lose yourself

Under my sonorous spell, isn’t it?

Consonantes crujientes y vocales abiertas

Are tendrils from my tongue

Attracting your ears

To drown in my sensuous sounds

Ni sabes lo que oyes

But you are hypnotized

Looking at me like a trainwreck

You cannot ignore

Solo que aquí

It is a trainwreck inside me

Who is this girl?

Your eyes ask

I say “Adios, Mamá

Te quiero mucho”

And the spell is broken

My English returns with my other me

Whom you recognize slowly

As the me you know

That girl is back

My inner nature veiled once more

You won’t remember

But I’ll never forget

The way your eyes

Saw my other side

Glimpsed at that reality

And didn’t recognize who I was

I smile from inside

Waiting for the next time I’ll appear.

***

Mexican American

I’m Mexican enough to savor el sabor picosito de los chiles,

but American enough to keep my ears from steaming.

I’m Mexican enough to reirme fuerte y con gusto

but American enough to know when I can and can’t do that.

I’m Mexican enough to feel orgullosa de hablar en español

but American enough to unsheathe my English sword if needed.

I’m Mexican enough to understand los juegos y dramas sociales

but American enough to know I don’t want to be a part of them.

I’m Mexican enough to treat you como si fueras familia,

but American enough to tell you when you’ve pissed me off.

I’m Mexican enough to offer you mi casa con brazos abiertos,

but American enough to expect that you respect it.

I’m Mexican enough to love conviviendo con mis comadres

but American enough to have a blast with my best girlfriends, too.

I’m Mexican enough to be fiercely fiel a mi familia siempre

but American enough to be my own independent person within it.

I’m Mexican enough to want to atender a mi esposo

but American enough to expect the same in return.

I’m Mexican enough to know que quiero ser una madre algún día

but American enough to know that there’s no rush.

I’m Mexican enough to need un lugar que sea mi casa

but American enough to always live in perpetual wanderlust.

I’m Mexican enough to appreciate que trates de entender mi cultura

but American enough to know that you still won’t get it completely.

Unless you’ve lived esta doble vida tú mismo,

you’ll always be one joke, one gesture, one expression behind.

***

Un saludo in the suburbs

I read in the car outside the house,

patiently waiting in silence

for my sister’s piano lesson to wrap up

You walk across the lawn with flyers in your hands,

wearing faded jeans and a light gray shirt

as you hang your message on the front door

I look up and our eyes meet,

open hands rising in sync together

as we smile and wave our saludo

If my skin were darker,

you might see the paisana in me,

but to you, I’m just another gringa

Living my life, your American dream

in a suburb you prune and mow

so your kids won’t have to

So they might live here one day,

and their children can learn

musical melodies like my sister

I wish you and your family lo mejor

because that’s all I can do

as you walk away

***

Eloísa Pérez-Lozano grew up bilingual and bicultural in Houston, Texas. She graduated from Iowa State University with her M.S. in journalism and mass communication and her B.S. in psychology. Her poetry has been featured or is forthcoming in The Texas Observer, aaduna, Diverse Voices Quarterly, The Acentos Review, The Ofi Press, and VONA’s Voices Against Racial Injustice: An Arts Forum, among others.

[“Mutant” was first published by The Ofi Press. “Un Saludo in the Suburbs” was first published online at VONA’s Voices Against Racial Injustice: An Arts Forum.]