Waking Up to Middle Age: Xmas 2021

Melinda Palacio

Melinda and Blanca Palacio

As I emerge from my Covid fog, I'm starting to take note of the new normal and how things, especially the holidays, feel different. They feel different because most of us have spent at least a full year in isolation. What's surprising to me is the huge percentage of the population that has taken zero precautions during a raging pandemic. Doing something I used to take for granted, like having dinner with family or good friends, brought up some feelings I hadn’t felt in a long while.  I was a little sad when I realized I had forgotten how old my mother would be this year. Can I blame this on Covid fog? Let's say yes. 

 

My mother died in 1994 at age 44, which means this year, she would have been 72. These statistics are mind-boggling to me because the last time I saw her, she was younger than I am now. I don't have to imagine too hard what she would have been like as an older adult. She was very youthful and she would tell people that I was her sister. 

 

I have to smile at the creative person that she was and how she would throw herself into the holidays. She was a school teacher at Heliotrope Elementary and loved holidays, especially Halloween and Christmas. Everyone that met her loved being around her. Who wouldn't? She radiated positive energy that was irresistible to everyone.. 

 

Somehow with the world opening up again, I feel more vulnerable about holidays, more down than usual. For anyone else suffering from grief, I’m here to say keep finding that one friend or stranger who will remind you to cherish each moment and memory. Recently, I haven’t shared much of my feelings, but celebrations are sometimes bitter sweet because I can’t share them with my mother who took so much pleasure in all festivities and holidays. 

 

A smile spreads over my face as I remember how fiercely my mother loved me and how proud she was of every one of my accomplishments. The beauty of waking up to middle age is to realize that she’s always there to cheer me on. While the holidays can be difficult, every moment doesn’t have to be a Hallmark Christmas movie, but it is possible to enjoy the season while honoring your grief. For myself, the best way to honor my mother is to be kind to others and to share some of the love that she enveloped me in during the more than two decades we shared.