Wednesday, July 12, 2006

To cure American bellyaching

When some people get exasperated, they tend to use a favorite stock phrase, rather than engaging their brains. When nothing changes from uttering that phrase, they seem to become even more exasperated, as if the truth from a so-called truism should be enough to change reality. In an effort to alleviate some of America's stress and resulting ulcers, I've come up with some remedies for users of the following phrases:

1. "We shouldn't cut and run" (out of Iraq). If you're tired of repeating this accusation to those who believe we have no business in Iraq, just tell them to hold their breath and protests until we reach that magic number 50,000 (as in Vietnam War fatalities).

2. "Go back to Mexico." If you're tired because no one packs their bags when you state this, you have 2 options. First, stay out of places where you find yourself using it, like your restaurants' kitchens, your hotel room when the maid's cleaning up, or your new condo, at least until after the sheetrock's put up.

Your other option is to tell Congress to re-channel Iraq War money into helping Mexico develop its own, independent economy. That way, instead of destroying a country, we could help build one and get at the root of why mexicanos come north.

3. "Illegals are taking jobs from American citizens." If you're starting to sound like a scratched CD harping on the above words, demand that George Dubbya institute a new draft and force young, white Americans to take those menial jobs at minimum wage or less.

Or, you could get Congress and George Dubbya to raise the minimum wage--especially for farm workers--to something decent and appealing to young Anglo Americans, like at least $10/hour (with benefits), and they wouldn't have to be drafted. Then we could watch America's youth lining up by the tens of thousands to fill out applications.

4. "I'm sick of paying $3 for gas." You have several options. You could write Condaleeza a letter, explaining how you can't support the rest of the economy since your money's going into obscene oil company profits. She's got pull with Exxon (they even named a tanker after her) and would no doubt understand your plight.

Or, since Congress and your President don't look like they're going to implement a windfall-profits tax on oil companies, you could just wait a year or two until the price rises to four or five dollars. That way you could at least change the number in your phrase.

Another tactic would be to vote next time for candidates who promise to re-channel a lot of that Pentagon money into non-fossil fuel technology. That way your pocketbook never has to suffer from unreliable sources of energy again.

5. "There is no global warming." If, like George Dubbya, you find that when you say this your friends and colleagues laugh instead of taking you seriously--show, don't tell them. Invest in some beachfront property, especially in a place like Florida where global-warming believers say even more hurricanes will hit. Trade your car in for one of those huge, diesel SUVs. Vote for every candidate who promises to let industry put even more industrial progress into our atmosphere. Then go out on your little piece of beach and breath deeply and without any worry or remorse.

6. "I'm tired of our jobs being outsourced overseas." If you're starting to sound like a broken record--as many times as you say this--you could write to your President and Congress asking that they eliminate the tax breaks U.S. corporations get for outsourcing. Instead, suggest it should be replaced with a surtax on any company that does such outsourcing. While you're at it, you might as well ask that a tariff be put on such services and products and that the funds be put into something useful, like more federal grant money for college.

7. "These medical bills are gonna kill me!" If you're getting chronic laryngitis from uttering this over and over, you could sell that valuable, Florida beach property and move to almost any other industrialized country in the world (and some non-industrial) that has universal healthcare. Or, if you just hate to have to give up that monster SUV and learn a new language, consider upping your life insurance coverage, since your present elected officials don't think it's "good for the economy" to regulate any industry, not even one that profits from your aging body.

There are more, other typically American phrases--like, "Why do I keep getting more and more into debt?"--but I'm stopping here.

Lastly, if you're a chronic user of these phrases, consider this: you're not the only one. If all of you would get together and do as I suggest, then I could just sit back and enjoy my own bellyaching.


1 comment:

El_Loco said...

Precious, just precious!