Sunday, April 24, 2011

It's No Yolk: CVS Welcomes Easter with Pro-Military Huevos

Olga García Echeverría

I don’t know what’s worse--BP still trying to hide its tar balls or CVS camouflaging its huevos.

Rumor has it there are plastic, military-camouflaged Easter eggs that come with toy soliders at CVS. Not that I'm a fan of Easter baskets or egg hunts, but this is something I have to see for myself. Also, I'm feeling super huevona this mornning and lagging on my Sunday post, so I opt for making a quick stop at the local CVS to hunt out a possible, last-minute Easter story. Even if I'm not religious, goddamn it, I want to write an Easter blog today.

When my girlfriend and I arrive at CVS in Lincoln Heights, the Easter shelves look like they've been ransacked. Only Easter rejects remain. A couple of Pepto-Bismol-colored wicker baskets thrown asunder; a plundered bag of fake grass, its shiny plastic guts splattered on the floor; a dark chocolate bunny with a caved-in skull; yellow marshmellow baby chicks with hollow stares; and a few, football-sized, pastel-colored, stuffable eggs.

“They went really fast this year,” says the store manager when we ask about the pro-military eggs. She's on a mission to help us find them, though. She calls Highland Park and the 24-hour CVS on Sunset. They're all sold out as well. Bummer. I wanted to do my own photo shoot, but instead I have to go online and borrow Nancy Aykanian's military huevo shot. Thanks Nancy!

Confession: I wanted to take home a pack of the eggs. You know, for future proof that this shit is for reals. Now, I'm moping down the CVS aisle, cursing at all the military consumer fanatics who hogged up the war eggs. True, we're in three wars and war eggs on Jesus Resurrection Day are popular. But what am I to do without the llema of my story? Easter sucks.

Then I see them.

Dear Bloga Readers, if you still need to make a last minute Easter gift run for the kids, you’re in luck. True the huevos are gone, but still in stock is the military camouflaged Snuggie blanket for kids. It has sleeves! Let the military wrap its warm arms around your child as he/she melds into couch potatoness and gets hooked on multi-media crack.

And for the younger ones, there's the Do-It-Yourself Sock Monkey. Give your favorite child an early start on their military indoctrination. The Sock Monkey comes with its very own military attire. Que cute! Notice the peace sign sticker. There's also a "Save Our Planet" logo on the "eco-friendly" stuffing material, because as George Orwell reminds us in 1984, War is Peace and Peace is War.

Also at your local CVS this early afternoon, Easter Bunny in a bathrobe with his cronies, Jack Daniels and the Coke brothers. This is a great basket stuffer for the wild-child. Hey, if they're old enough to start dressing monkeys in military gear or wrap themselves in snuggly army camouflage, they deserve a stiff drink or two.

Yeah, it's all kind of surreal and disgusting, but it is Easter Sunday in America. And as I always say, if you can’t beat them, fry them.

Bueno, that's all folks. This huevona is going back to bed to dream up another world. Have a happy huevo day.


Unknown said...

Luvd your blog! And ive studied your work I had Reina Prado as an instructor. :-)

Estella said...

Hilarious Olga! Best thing I read today.

ItzaTorito said...

Political satire at it's best! Thank you for shedding light on this Easter Sunday. Love your humor!

ItzaTorito said...

...I meant "its best!"

Melinda Palacio said...

Huevona Power!