Sunday, January 03, 2010

10 Things You Can Do In Times of Doom

tatiana de la tierra

It’s a new decade and times are grim as we head into the scripted doomsdays, with 2012 just around the corner. Will the world (as we know it) end with the Mayan calendar? Will there be a massive shift toward higher consciousness that will lead the planet to true healing? Or will humanoids continue to limp on amidst wars, poverty, corporate deceit, and rampant consumerism? Religious zealots are talking cataclysm and spreading the word with glossy pamphlets urging sinners to give it up for the Lord. Others are chanting for peace, meditating on divine love, and gearing up with vibrational healing tools.

I barely know what’s in store twenty-four hours ahead of time and make no claims about the future. But let me suppose that things will stay on the same course at least a bit longer. Today’s hot issues—unemployment, global warming, gay and lesbian marriage, health care, war, education, hunger, and immigration, to name a few—are also tomorrow’s. And they’re not going to magically go away as long as corporate interests continue to reign or as long as misogynist (mostly white) men are making decisions to affect us all.

What to do? If you’re tired of waiting for social justice or if you’ve lost all hope for change, you can take a few things into your hands. Make your own change, or speed up the process of deterioration so that the prophetic transformations can finally take hold. There’s a magical spaceship out there—there has to be.

Meanwhile, as a public service, I offer up some ideas of things you can do in times of doom.

1. Become a communist. Republicans claim that having health care for everyone is a sure sign of socialism. They’re right! Want health care? Go socialist!

2. Join the military. Out of a job? Can’t get into college? Can’t afford a gym membership? If you’re young and in your prime, the military is a great option for getting in shape, learning discipline, and being part of the brotherhood. Sure, you may lose a limb or end up with post-traumatic stress syndrome, but if you make it through, you might have a shot at an education.

3. Buy an illegal immigrant. They’re great for taking care of your house and kids. They can cook, clean, build things, do errands. And they’re cheap since there’s no comprehensive immigration bill being considered and they have no guaranteed rights. It’s the deal of the century!

4. Have more babies. Disposable diapers do a great job of choking up landfills, are wonderfully toxic, deplete the earths’ resources, and take a few hundred years to decompose. Want to push pollution and global warming along? Use disposable diapers!

5. Heal yourself and others. Medical doctors are great at diagnosing and prescribing pharmaceuticals, but they’re out to lunch when it comes to herbs, supplements, nutrition, and energy medicine. There are a zillion alternative healing modalities you can train in, such as homeopathy, Reiki, Quantum Touch, acupuncture, Tong Ren, crystal healing, sound healing, shamanism, Emotional Freedom Technique, midwifery, and naturopathy. They’re fabulous, low tech, and cost-effective modalities that people are tuning into more and more.

6. Learn Chinese. Want to be forward-thinking and speaking? Already a quarter of the earth’s population, the Chinese have a commercial and economic edge and will be a dominant force in the future. Learn the Mandarin mother tongue to get in step with the times, ahead of time.

7. Become a reverend. Gays and lesbians are busting to do the “I do’s” and more and more state legislations are permitting same sex unions. Who’s going to marry all these queers? Who’s going to baptize all their babies? If you become a reverend, you can be the one to do the honors.

8. Get a medical marijuana license. Who knows when we’ll have a health care plan that favors the people instead of insurance companies, medical doctors, and the pharmaceutical industry. Until then, you can get high and alleviate stress and pain with a few tokes.

9. Feed hormonized oversized chicken breasts to your children in order to accelerate their puberty. Babies are pumped with endocrine-disrupting chemicals in utero and throughout their childhood. Add recombinant bovine growth hormone found in milk and the ubiquitous pthalates and bisphenol-A to the mix and the result is demasculanized boys and prematurely feminized girls. Don’t want your children to fall behind? Give them their hormone disrupters!

10. If all else fails, become a breatharian. With practice, you can become plant-like and live off of sunlight. Perfect for hunger and homelessness!


stuffffffff said...

I'm already an anarchist (a type of communist). I say stock up on non-perishables and take an urban survival class because when the sh*t hits the fan you need to be able to protect yourself and those you're allied with.

I'm optimistic though. I welcome change and economic collapse brings the promise of absolute freedom. A chance to reconnect and reclaim.

Cwybrow said...

Riiight. Where's my oxygen?

Come Bien Books said...

Thanks for this, needed a good laugh.Forward thinking indeed.

liz said...

I love this. What a great way to start the new decade. Thanks!

sonora y matancera said...

tatiana, as end-of-year-lists go, this one is destornillante.... estupendo tu sentido del humor y perspectiva de la tierra y por la tierra, by the way. en serio, pa´lante compañera tatiana, comandante respiratoria comuñanga.

Anonymous said...

Love it!!!