Saturday, December 29, 2012

Ten predictions about La Bloga's future

by Rudy Ch. Garcia

I followed Ramos' advice from yesterday: "Let it all go. Sit back. Allow your mind to drift. Enjoy the slow passing of time. Breathe deeply. Follow the breath with your mind through your lungs, heart, gut. Chase it from your body, slowly. To help with the contemplation." Below is what resulted. Ergo, blame him, not me.

It's the end of 2012 and apparently not of the world. The clowns and uneducated "scholars" who used Nostradamus or the Maya calendar to misinterpret "el fin del mundo" scored a zero. Federal and financial-world "experts" predicting where the economic, so-called recovery is headed act like tea leaves and entrails hold the truth. And the needle gauging your retirement portfolio's prospects acts like you're running toward and then away from the Fukushima power plant. So what?

So, as my last post for 2012, I'll throw in my dos centavos and ten predictions of what the future holds, at least for La Bloga. I won't consult my deceased bruja abuela about what ths, since it doesn't work for others less wise than me. But I'll go for a more positive take and list what I, and possibly others, would like to see happen. To keep one foot in reality, I'll also acknowledge what may not develop as positively.

Uno. The first wide-screen film of Rudy Anaya's Bless Me, Última will win at least one Academy Award. AridZona Sheriff Arpaio will have his militia raid the Phoenix premier showing, arrest half the audience and provide U.S. born, Spanish speakers with vacations, south of the border. Obama will miss the premier.

Dos. Bloguero Manuel Ramos' next novel, Desperado: A Mile High Noir, will receive critical acclaim and garner more female followers than any latino since Pancho Villa.

Sheriff Arpaio will try to have it banned, but given his I.Q., will get confused and wind up banning the Roberto Rodriguez movie, instead. Obama will watch that movie.

Tres. My first novel, the break-through Chicano fantasy, The Closet of Discarded Dreams, will win two 2012 awards.

Following that, critics will brand it as "literarily deficient" and Sheriff Arpaio will have it banned in AridZona. Out of curiosity, readers will make it a belated best-seller. Obama will try reading the first chapter.

Cuatro. Sci-fi bloguero Ernest Hogan and vampiristo novelist Mario Acevedo will co-author the first gay-vampire space-opera, featuring aliens who look like celery stalks.

With its bisexual antagonist, Constable Apio, it will win no awards, but will produce several writing clubs devoted to obscure chicanada humor.

Sheriff Arpaio will take personal offense, and be arrested for shoplifting hundreds of WalMart copies for his book burnings. Obama will watch the YouTube trailer of that.

CincoMelinda Palacio
, Lydia Gil and Amelia Montes will co-author Fifty Latina Shades of Questionable Worth, based on Wikileaks material from Sheriff Arpaio's ghost-written diary.

It will receive a XXXX-rating, and the royalties will allow the authors to hire publicists, secretaries, and hunky, personal-massage therapists. 

They will establish a literary commune in the Taos Mts. where Sheriff Arpaio will be arrested on the grounds as a peeping Tom and stalker. Obama will give him a pardon.

Seis. Bloguero René Colato Laínez's fame in children's literature will lead to his being declared school-board Emperor of the LAISD, where he will institute massive reforms outlawing standardized tests and empowering teachers' unions.

L.A. will surpass China and India's academic standards, resulting in the adoption of thousands of latino orphans who relocate to Asia. Colato will use his book royalties to establish a psychiatric clinic for impeached sheriffs, and Obama will donate two cents to its funding.

Siete. Bloguero Dan Olivas will retire from the law profession and become a full-time writer. He'll readopt a dream he relegated to Garcia's Closet-of-Discarded-Dreams world and be nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature. Sheriff Apaio will put out a wanted-poster on Olivas, and Obama will send him a letter of support, promising to read something Olivas wrote.

Ocho. Bloguero Michael Sedano will open a chicken stud-farm and devote his acumen to producing his first book. It will win more awards than any other bloguero.

He will belatedly enjoy belated acclaim at the side of Tezcatlipoca, who will give it his five-demons endorsement. The god's night-soil collector, Sheriff Arpaio, will spill a bucket upon hearing this and be banished to gringo Hades to smoke cigarettes with Obama.

Nueve. Rudy Ch. Garcia's second novel, the dark YA prequel to The Closet of Discarded Dreams will incite a bidding war between corporate publishers, but the author will instead opt for a latino-friendly mid-list publisher.

It will win the 2013 Newbery Award, and every Anglo child in AridZona will keep it by their bedside. This will inflict Sheriff Arpaio with apoplexy, and Obama will text him his condolences.

Diez. Lastly, the Chicano literary website La Bloga will win no awards, but it will expand to a 12-day week to accommodate more authors to its ranks. It will adopt a logo depicting an AridZona sheriff and a dark U.S. President engaged in some disreputable coupling. La Bloga will be sued by the U.S. gov't and its $40 of assets will be seized. Los blogueros and the blogueras too will go underground to continue publication. Sheriff Arpaio will never locate them. Obama won't bother looking.

Merry, and happy, and feliz and próspero to my colleagues who work to make me more literary than I am. And to La Bloga's readers, our dear, tolerant supporters.

by RudyG, aka author Rudy Ch. Garcia of the upcoming 2013 YA prequel to The Closet of Discarded Dreams that everyone prays will be funnier than his posts.


Thelma T. Reyna said...

Funny, funny, funny, Rudy (except the Obama lines; I support him). Looking forward to your 2013 blogs. Adelante!

Anonymous said...

Thelma et al, I voted for him, again.

When he does anything good, we should support him. But we shouldn't wait four years to make him do plenty of good things.

Gracias por tus palabras,

msedano said...

la chickenada cackled at the remarks about stud-farm, "we don't need roosters!" then they grin wide through open lips. one of my books is forthcoming, how'd you know? obama called and asked if i wanted to re-enlist. i gave him your name.


I have based a character on Sheriff Joe. And thanks for reminding me, I need to let make it clear that the black president in SMOKING MIRROR BLUES is not based on Obama.

Thelma T. Reyna said...

Verdad, Rudy, verdad. But let's not forget that he still has all those Republicanos that filibustered almost 400 times (way above the nation's historical record)and who intend to continue, and all those Tea Partiers who still act as if Romney/Ryan won the election. The stonewalling will continue, but we the people have to have his back and keep putting pressure on los GOP to do the people's will, not their own. Anyway, just a little bit of politics here, but your writing and the success of La Bloga are much more important than what happens politically. Adelante, y muy feliz Ano Nuevo!