To My Kidneys

tatiana de la tierra



I’m sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you

I had no inkling of your existence those summers
when I swam in waters with radioactive runoff
a mile from home
at the Turkey Point Nuclear Power Plant

I was proud of the organic salad tomatoes
and the steaming peppermint tea
that came from my garden in the backyard
a block from the Rex Chemicals plant

but life at 29822 SW 147th Avenue in Leisure City
was anything but leisurely
it was all screaming and fighting and cursing
hijueputa this and hijueputa that
and nothing to call a future

poverty pissed me off

I drank too much high fructose corn syrup
not enough purified water
snorted cocaine
smoked dope
lived all toughed out
while you worked silently
on my behalf
filtering
purifying
regulating

I was an angry girl
but I blew up no buildings
killed no one
I was all hot air
exploding inside
letting the carnage
settle
harden

by the time I ever heard
something was wrong with you
at twenty-nine
the damage was done
your tubules were atrophying
glomeruli were dead and dying
you were inflamed and irate

I had twenty-four grams of protein in the urine
all swollen and freakishly feverish
pouring my fluids into vials and beakers
filling out forms
trying to recollect every sun burn
every sneeze
those little red dots on my childhood skin

I was a medical mystery for many months
until the day that doctors could make a determination:
lupus-mediated membranous glomerulonephritis

now, eighteen years later
you’re all I’ve got
my future is in the capillaries of your glomeruli

all this time I’ve done this and that
pills and prayers of all kinds
even taken some extreme measures
to keep you going

yet you falter

healers put the blame on all kinds of things
deep-seated fears
petrochemicals
lead
cadmium
karma
white flour
self-hatred
seriousness

who knows

but we’re in this together, you and I

let’s go get sunshine
drink green tea
grow tall and strong
wade in waters up to our knees
like the cypress in the Florida swamps
gracing riverbanks and wetlands
roots filtering flowing waters
branches stretching to the skies
with their durable and eternal woods